God has allowed me to learn a lot this summer - more about His love and more about the kind of person that I truly am, beneath this hefty facade. I don't normally blog, as evidenced by the lack of blog entries, but I think it will be helpful for organizing my myriad of thoughts.

This summer has been so blessed because I am learning so much about God's love. The conference opened my eyes to the unfathomable love of my Jesus. I wish that I was at the point in my life where I could fall madly in love with Jesus. Madly in love that I will not even glance at what the world offers, but think everything a loss compared to the love of Jesus. I wish, and I hope, because I know that once God allows me to find complete joy in Him, then my heart would be at peace. Right now, my heart is consumed with a lot of worry... but I will delve into this later. I just started reading "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper, and he mentions that, "Only God can make the depraved heart desire God." If I reflect on the things that I pray about and for, I don't pray To God asking Him to make me love Him more. Now I don't know why I've never asked this in prayer... Seems silly that I haven't.

The new fall year is approaching, and I am partly excited, and am partly in fear. I experience the latter because even as I serve God through the Campus for Christ ministry, I tend to forget about doing things for God instead of gaining status/appreciation from others. I think - no, I know that my heart was not entirely on fire for God in this ministry because I developed a heightened interest in pleasing others through "my good works." I wanted to impress a certain somebody too. I pray that through all that I have gained this summer, I may always pray to God especially when I serve Him, that I am doing it for His glory, not mine. In addition to this, I fear the actual school year. I am almost nearing the end to my undergraduate years, and I seem to be stagnant in choosing to become... a somebody. I bring my parents a lot of grief because I have such little direction for my future. I've realized that I've allowed Satan to belittle me in school, because ever since first year of university, I've lost confidence in a lot of areas. The scary thing is that even before I try, already in my mind, I hear a voice saying, "you can't, you won't do well. don't even try."

But, like I mentioned, I am full of excitement, since it will be a new beginning. I know that my heart is stronger now. God allowed me to undergo such circumstances so that I could ultimately become a better person. A better person who delights and finds joy in God. Quoting John Piper again, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." I want this year to be a new year where I will learn more about His love and grow satisfied in Him.

Even in... one of my weakest areas, God has given me a new point of view. After witnessing and hearing about amazing God-centred marriages, I learned that I should really trust in God in this matter. How beautiful it would be to be with the man that God has chosen especially for me!

All in all, although I didn't do.... anything "substantial" this summer (i.e. do the MCATS like everyone else I know), I feel that I've learned a lot. Something that cannot be attained through textbooks and lectures. I just pray that I may retain all that I have learned, and really persevere when it comes to knowing God more.